thin is in

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 05:39:00 GMT

The liquid fast went well today. I feel so huge, though. I wish I didn't have these binges. Why can't I just have a NORMAL relationship with food? I either eat everything or nothing and for some reason, it's impossible for me to find a middle ground.

My metabolism slows right down and then I pack myself full of fat. It's so unhealthy. It's so bad for me. I honestly want to go to a doctor and see if they can help me become normal but I'm scared that if I walked in and said "my eating is disordered" they would just weigh me, tell me that I'm a healthy weight and laugh me out the door. But my body is shutting down. I am its enemy and vis a versa.

I'm worried that I'm depressed lately. It just feels like nothing is going my way so why bother getting out of bed? The only thing that makes me feel better is controlling my eating, doing well in school and going to the library. How sad is that?

Oh, and I figured out why I keep this journal (because it's often a mystery to me). No one reads it so it's fairly private. No one knows I have it or who I am and I can write anything. If I die, no one has to a find this in my sock drawer. And someday... I hope I'm going to be able to delete it all.

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 20:55:02 GMT

The last three days have been binges. Beginning tomorrow I am going to embark on a liquid fast until Friday evening. If I can do it, I will allow myself to drink at K's b-day party.

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 20:44:55 GMT

I am lonely and sad and it feels like nothing is turning out the way it should.

Why the hell did he stop liking me??

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 22:20:21 GMT

I wish I didn't have be Catholic to be a nun. I just want to cloister myself away from all the annoying dude shit.

There should be some secular league of women who just want to live together and do good things for the community.

Sat, 31 Jan 2009 16:28:19 GMT

I know men have eating disorders but I still feel like my eating disorder and my gender are so strongly intertwined, you couldn't really have one without the other. When I don't eat, I'm doing it for other women - to look like them, compare to them favourably, fit women's fashions - but never for a man. When I don't eat, I don't want to be near a man. Sexuality is divorced from my compulsions and control issues. I mean, if sex is giving up all control and just doing exactly what I want, in the moment, it makes sense that it wouldn't mesh with restriction. I am unworthy of love because I hate myself.
This is something I feel that only women can truly understand. I don't know if men would ever look into a mirror and break down crying, much less every day for years.
The pressure that is placed on women to be anything than ourselves is criminal. I fucking hate it.

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 22:42:46 GMT

My favourite song right now and forever is Shangri-la by The Kinks. It makes me so euphoric. It makes me remember all the wonderful people and places I know and have known.

I feel like my identity is stored in specific people and places all over the world and sometimes I forget that these facets of me ever lived within.

Growing older is actually lovely.

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 15:32:12 GMT

I have begun a proper, paper journal where I can put all of my foods eaten and pump myself up. I've been having such a hard time with control lately that I need a more strict regime. Every time I ate, I would binge. I promised myself a new sketch book if I could keep the week under 7000 cals, which sounds like a lot , I know, but it will be a definite reduction from last week. I am also buying myself new pens if the week is under 5000.

I feel so fat and bloated but I love the feeling of knowing that I can do something to fix it.

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 14:46:52 GMT

I had a dream that I was making cheeseburgers with someone else's baby.

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 04:29:46 GMT

Overpowering urge to retreat to the hills - to places no one ever goes to, only passes through. You know - places like Olympia, Washington or Syracuse, New York. I want to spend time among the humid and dense west-coast rainforests or in the Catskills, trapping rabbits and living in trees.

Appalachia. Saskatoon. Cape Breton.

I want to live low and dirty in a few bars for a few years. I'm tired of organic sprouts. I want to live off of Wonder Bread and beer.

It is raining in so many places right now. My body lies over so many oceans.

I want to cry and fuck and drink everything to the lees. I want to feel that when I breathe out, something else-someone else-is breathing in. When I put my head on your chest, I want to care about the beat I hear beneath your ribs.

The whole wide world is so daunting.

Things I Wish I'd Said

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 23:30:54 GMT

1. Really? Communism? What the fuck does Karl Marx have to do with the 21st Century. Get over it. Oh, and your tattoos are retarded.
2. You honestly think having sex with your boyfriends best friend is a good idea?
3. Have your own opinion for once!
4. You are not __. You think you want to be him but who you really want is _____.
5. It's yours! And I'm keeping it!... just kidding.
6. Watch out, he's going to cheat on you... a lot.
7. Don't get married. Please. You two are wrong for each other.
8. Fuck your binders.

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 02:57:03 GMT

Ack! Losing weight uncontrollably!

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 20:23:16 GMT

it is so so hard not to eat right now.

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 00:22:49 GMT

This is the easiest fast I've ever done. It's freakin' sweet. I feel like I could probably go for longer than three days. We'll see how I feel tomorrow. There's a Vice party at Club Lambi so I'll probably check that out. Apparently there are going to be free drinks so it'll be hard to resist that one... especially since I'll be heading out there all alone.

Actually, the only thing that is weird with this fast is that I am having a hard time with... time. I can't believe it's almost been two days because - well - I can't really figure out my days. Hours pass like water through my hands. It's kinda weird and I'm not sure if it's as a result of the fast or my recent sleep-deprivation.

- Shaena

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 21:48:23 GMT

The first day of my juice fast is mostly over - kinda. I did the vegan, gluten-free, booze-free, drug-free thing for almost a week previous. Last night I just stayed up all night working and studying and writing. I was so tired this morning but I got my essay in on time. I had to walk to school cause I was scared I would kill myself on a bike (Maisonneuve bike path is all torn up). Most of the day after class was sleep but I'm still so tired. The entire weekend (including last night) had about 7-9 hours of REM.

Ugh this is the wrong journal but it fits.

I feel like I'm floating over my sheets right now. Like a shadow of a person.

Back

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 04:01:01 GMT

I got away from the LJ fir a while. Haven't looked at a scale in a long time. This week I've just been riding my bike and restricting vegan but I start a juice fast tomorrow. Yay!

Oh Heck.

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 05:52:58 GMT

I just had the biggest binge ever. Damnit!!!! I was doing so well. I think I ate about 1000 cals today... or possibly way more - I lost count.

I still feel like putting food in my mouth, even though I am completely full. I hate knowing that there is food upstairs. Shit.

Current Weight 124.5

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 01:23:16 GMT

I'm feeling thinner today even though the scale tells me I'm not. I haven't let myself buy any clothing until I can fit into a much smaller size. Most of my clothes are starting to look a little awkward on me but they're not hanging yet.

I have a place lined up for Montreal. This is a huge load off my mind. I'll be living with a good friend of mine. I just hope living with another girl won't make it impossible to be thin and stay thin.

There are a lot of big things happening in my life and it's going to take a small girl to meet them.

Update on today:

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 02:20:29 GMT

- got my period
- burnt 1000 cals
- sat in the sauna
- almost passed out on the way home
- made a date for Friday
- so far I've had 600cals of nutrients (if I need to eat, may as well make it healthy stuff)

Tonight I'm going to eat 130 cals of dry popcorn and do my nails. I think I may be in love with apples covered in cinnamon and soup. Also caffeine before working out does weird things to my heart rate. It starts out surprisingly high and then drops dramatically after half an hour - weird.

I hope the weight I read this morning was inflated by my period but I won't be heartbroken if it weren't.

Current Weight 124.5

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 17:54:28 GMT

Last night I had a dream that all the scales I've been checking have been wrong and I'm really 142lbs. I woke up heart racing, sweating bullets. I don't get much sleep these days.

I tossed and turned until 4 or so, thinking about the last year and all the beautiful and heartbreaking events I was privy to. I think my family might be doing better now but I'm pretty sure that nobody's family is ever going to change.... I suppose the trick is changing myself to love them despite all their problems and hope that someday they can do the same for me.

Today I am meant to eat 800 cals so I'll be in the gym until I burn at least that. It is physically impossible for me to not reach my goal if I continue in this vein.

xoxo

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 02:52:09 GMT

I am a fucking giant. All I'm focused on is my goal but it seems so far away. I barely want to go outside or see anyone because I'm so ashamed of my body.

It's so frustrating to be an impatient girl with a daunting goal.

Current Weight 125.5

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 18:25:39 GMT

I'm back where I was 4 days ago! The setbacks that come with binging are my new motivation not to do it in the first place. I WILL be thin by summer. I WILL be my own feminine ideal and no food can stand in my way. I'm tempted to just fast my way skinny but that's how I've messed up my metabolism before so I think I'll only do that when I'm more desperate.

Today I planned on going to the gym for a few hours but I feel so weak today. I ate some cantaloupe and yogurt for breakfast but it hasn't really made me feel better. I just don't have the motivation to go out into the cold today. I'm always cold enough already! I think I might just do as much exercise here as I can and let myself slide...

Since I started taking a stronger multi-vitamin, most of my bruises have faded and my skin doesn't look as purple-ish. My eyes look a lot less tired too and I'm able to get out of bed at a reasonable hour. Hooray!

Current Weight 126 (shit.shit.shit.)

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 03:55:31 GMT

Yesterday I was really good about restricting and exercising but I'm still way heavier than I want to be. My friend C___ comes back from the east coast on the 24th and I'd really like to be 115 when she sees me. That's 0.647 lbs a day.

If 3500 cals equals a pound of fat, well I'll just work out until I burn that as often as I can.

After this cycle of the 2468, I'm going to start on a 1357 plan...probably. The only thing I really like about 2468 is that it makes it easier to hide my problems from people if I schedule most of my socializing on 600 and 800 days.

Today I exercised for 3 hours and ate 400 so why do I feel fatter than ever?? I hope I'm just getting my period or something.

Current Weight: Don't Want to Look

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 07:26:18 GMT

I didn't get into the show I wanted to go to tonight. I'd been excited for this for about a month so we went to the movies instead and...

Ugh I binged. Popcorn, onion rings and a muffin. I've had at least 1500cals today. Great. That's 1100 over my goal for the day.

My tummy hurts too much to run or work out so I'm just going to drink a bunch of water and hope that I've better control tomorrow when I start back at 200cals.

xoxo

Current Weight 124.5

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 15:22:50 GMT

Another day. Another fat chick trying to get thin.

Posting to this journal is incredibly cathartic. Through anonymity I'm completely free to actually spill what's on my mind.

Right now my problem isn't so much what's on my mind but what's mucking up my body. This being EVERYTHING I'VE EATEN FOR THE PAST WEEK! I honestly haven't pooped in a week. (Yeah, I'm gross.) My stomach looks huge and pregnant (which at least it isn't). The majority of my cals have been coming from fibre, I've been guzzling water and senna leaf tea but nothing is working. I can't even sleep anymore it's so uncomfortable.

I don't want to become a lax abuser again so I try to keep them out of the house but I think if my situation doesn't change by this afternoon, I need to pick some up.

Current Weight 125.5

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 20:09:39 GMT

Oh damn. The condom broke last night. I am going out now to buy the morning after pill (something I had rather hoped I would never need to do).

Yesterday was my 800 cal day. I felt like a pig! I think from now on I'll continue with 2468 but the high calorie days will be mostly liquids. Being that full makes me feel like some disgusting leviathan. Not sexy.

Ugh. Now I have to go pump my body full of hormones. Gross.